Five Jokes: 7-10-2025

"Trump Accounts" For Babies, McDonald's Hacks, Gen Z's Love Of Anime Music, T-Mobile vs DEI, and Stephen King Narration

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Hey! It’s Thursday in America, tonight I’m co-hosting a live standup show with special guest co-host Josh Nasser (pictured below) —

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Anyway, here are FIVE JOKES!

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Y’all hear about this?..

• Millions of babies born in the U.S. in the coming years will be eligible to receive a $1,000 "Trump Account," courtesy of the federal government. The account will be accessible to the child once they turn 18, but here’s the catch—only if we still have a society.

• A McDonald’s AI hiring bot named Olivia exposed millions of applicants’ data to hackers who tried the password ‘123456.’ The hackers have been identified, and look suspiciously similar to McDonald’s self-checkout machines

  

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• Japanese anime songs are Gen Z's latest musical obsession. So if you’re having trouble connecting with your kids at the family function, start electric sliding to “Hana Hiraku Toki.”

• T-Mobile is scrapping its diversity, equity and inclusion programs under pressure from President Donald Trump's administration as it looks for regulators to green-light two major acquisitions. And since corporations are legal persons under the law, any offspring born from these acquisitions will receive a $1,000 "Trump Accou—damnit he tricked us again!

Finally…

• Stephen King will narrate a ‘Hansel and Gretel’ audiobook with Maurice Sendak’s illustrations. So, if the story wasn’t already scary enough, this time its voiced by an old man who can’t really do character voices. Nothing more thrilling than a guy in Maine just sort of describing his afternoon.

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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE

Tap water logic from the My Momma Told Me podcast…

STRAY THOUGHT

IN OTHER NEWS…

[Interesting Headlines Minus Jokes]

• A staffer from the Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE, recently got high-level access to view and change the contents of a payments system that controls tens of billions of dollars in government payments and loans to farmers and ranchers across the United States…

• Agents from Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) have gained access to a massive database of health and car insurance claims and are using it to track down people they want to deport…

• Twenty-seven workers in Los Angeles were miraculously rescued on Wednesday evening after the partial collapse of a sanitation tunnel under construction left them trapped deep underground…

• Scientists have succeeded in reversing Parkinson’s symptoms in mice…

• And… the first Birkin bag that gave birth to fashion’s must-have accessory sold for a record 7 million euros (about $8.2 million) at auction in Paris.

SOMETHIN’ MORE!

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