Five Jokes: 7-31-2023

Bright 'X' Sign, Subway, TikTok vs Google, CNN's Pee Expert, & Black Republicans

Hey! It’s Monday, Cardi B threw a microphone at a fan who doused her with a drink onstage, and now I’m hurling Five Jokes your way for dousing me with support by subscribing!

Y’all hear about this?..

• A new, bright, pulsating 'X' sign at Twitter HQ is shining into nearby apartments and angering residents. But no one is angrier than Commissioner Gordon, who claims the glowing ‘X’ is disrupting his “Bat-Signal.” In other news, Gotham City is seeing an uptick in vigilante strippers.

• Subway will give free sandwiches for life to the person who legally changes their name to “Subway.” But according to the official contest rules, this “lifetime supply” comes in the form of a one-time $50,000 gift card payment. Nice try, Subway. You’ve clearly underestimated how many sandwiches one American can eat in a lifetime. Senator Bernie Sanders was actually moments away from changing his name to Bernie Subway until he read the fine print, stating, “Wanna hear a radical idea?! How about a little U.S.I.? — Universal Sandwich Income.”

• CNN’s Geoff Duncan says that making Trump the GOP presidential nominee will be “a lot like peeing in your pants…” It’ll “feel good for a couple seconds, but then you wake up and you realize the realities of what you just did.” After realizing the realities of his bizarrely specific comparison, Geoff continued, “I’d like to apologize. Making that statement was a lot like going number two in a urinal. Sure, it’s freeing for a moment, but then everyone in the Yankee Stadium men’s room gives you that same weird look.”

• Black Republicans who disagree with Florida’s new education rules are being attacked by their own party. Which is why I’m launching a GoFundMe to help these lost Black Republicans find nourishment. Food quickly becomes scarce when you aren’t invited to the cookout or the luncheon.

Finally…

• A study shows that 40 percent of Gen Z prefers to discover information on platforms like TikTok instead of Google!!!! And if I sound excited about that, it’s just because I finally understand the latest doodle:

Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment!

A JOKE FROM THE VAULT!

Every comedian wonders how their jokes would sound with the Seinfeld music. So I put one of mine to the test.

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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE

https://twitter.com/maggieserota/status/1685330637710843905

Maggie Serota

also has an excellent substack called Professor Garbage that’s worth checking out!

UPCOMING SHOWS

• “Movie Quiz” - August 7, 7:00PM @ Brooklyn Comedy Collective (TICKETS)

SOMETHING MORE?

Ahh, so you stuck around, eh? Let’s see what else I have down here in the vault. How about this old classic It’s All True! podcast episode with Roy Wood Jr.? Roy is actually on tour now! Go see him if you can: https://www.roywoodjr.com/tour-roy-wood-jr

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See you tomorrow with five more jokes!