Five Jokes: 4-22-2024 / 4-23-2024
Five Jokes: 4-22-2024 / 4-23-2024
MIKE POOLE TAKEOVER! - A Message From NASA’s Voyager 1, Biden In Tampa, Harvard vs Student Encampments, The Federal Trade Commission vs Non-Compete Agreements, and America's First High-Speed Rail Line
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Hey! It’s Tuesday in America and I’m Mike Poole and not
. Don’t worry, Tim is safe, he’s just in a bunker mapping out the history of the Kendrick Lamar and Drake beef. And me? I’m a writer, comedian, and everyone’s surrogate nephew. Instead of Tim’s normal humorous rhetoric, this week you get five jokes from me! And you you keep scrolling, you can even see what I would’ve posted yesterday had I not fallen into a time vortex. This week will be an adventure, or a lesson in humility. I probably need both.Here we go!
Donate to the Palestine Children’s Relief Fund, The Carter Center, and/or Alliance for Middle East Peace.
Y’all hear about this?..
NASA’s Voyager 1 space probe has sent readable data back from deep space. After 5 months of no contact, the information included the message “I miss us.”
Today President Biden heads to Tampa for two campaign events, hoping to win over Florida voters. The first is a speech on reproductive rights at a local college, and the second is a bare-naked brawl with Tampa’s mayor, the first meth-addled alligator to win two consecutive terms.
As universities try to contain the growing pro-Palestinian demonstrations, Harvard has closed it’s yard to the public in an effort to stop encampments — proving that despite gross wealth inequality every American just wants to keep those dang kids off their lawn.
The Federal Trade Commission will soon vote on a rule banning non-compete agreements, which stop workers from freely switching jobs. My wife has informed me that our marriage does not fall under this category, no matter how I spin it.
Finally…
Construction began yesterday on the first true high-speed rail line in the country. It’s expected to be completed in 2028, and go directly from my place to your moms.
Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment!
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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE
A few wise words from Justin Catchens…
https://twitter.com/JayCatch/status/1781571619707666797
JOKE’S I WOULD’VE POSTED YESTERDAY HAD I NOT FALLEN INTO THAT PESKY TIME VORTEX
The Supreme court is weighing in on whether it’s cruel and unusual punishment to ban the homeless from sleeping outside. The arguments are expected to be along the lines of “It’s morally unethical” and “Can they buy me a boat?”
The Edward MacDowell Medal for lifetime achievement will go to Yoko Ono this year, celebrating a long career of film, art, music — and being blamed for a group of white men’s interpersonal problems.
Opening statements for Donald Trump’s hush money trial are underway. Amidst all of Trump’s stalling and antics there’s long road ahead to find a true resolution despite no one hushing and him clearly not having any money.
A Tribe Called Quest, Foreigner, and Kool & the Gang were all inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame this week. This influential class has not only shaped music but also sound like deleted scenes from Zack Snyder’s Rebel Moon Part 2.
Finally…
Over the weekend Tesla’s “Full Self Driving” system, which cannot actually drive itself, had its price cut from $12,000 to $8,000 dollars. It’s a clear sign the economy is tanking when even lies are going on sale.
STRAY THOUGHT FROM TIM
SOMETHIN’ FROM MY VAULT!
“New emojis were revealed this week, and include new faces such as “a melting face”, “a face with diagonal mouth”, and “a face with a peeking eye”. Put in the “ashy elbow” emoji you cowards!” - Mike Poole
“Why are these people emailing five jokes a day?” —
explains it here:
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Mike Poole is a Brooklyn-based comedian and late night writer who’s credits include writing for The Amber Ruffin Show and The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon. He has performed all across the world doing improv, standup, sketch, and characters. He is the creator and host of Mike Poole’s Pool Party, and is a member of My Mommas Biscuits.
He has appeared on Comedy Central, Disney+, MTV, NBC, Food Network, A&E Network, Peacock and more on their television, digital, and streaming services.
Formerly a teacher and performer at The Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York City. He performed on many shows including Harold Night , Cipha Sound’s Take It Personal, and Baby Wants Candy.
Also a musical improvisor he has travelled across America, Europe, and even Off-Broadway with groups like North Coast: Hip Hop Improv and Baby Wants Candy: Shamilton. He is a former member of Netflix and No Chill and Improvised Gilmore Girls.
Originally from Winslow Township NJ, Mike Poole graduated from Montclair State University with BA in Broadcasting with a minor in Art & Design. He has a lot of feelings about Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and desperately wants more people to discuss these films with him.
