Five Jokes: 1-1-2024

Queen Margrethe II's Abdication, North Korea's Threat, AMC's Apology To A Civil Rights Leader, 2024's New Laws, and How A.I. Will Transform The Court System

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Hey! It’s Monday, you can see me and 99 other comedians tell jokes here tonight in Queens and it’s the new year!

Welcome to 2024! A perfect time for Ruben Studddard to release a sequel to “Sorry 2004.” What are you sorry for this year, Ruben? The world wants to know!

I took a few weeks off to focus on editing episodes of my new podcast You Are The Genre. I’ll be releasing a teaser for it soon (and you can subscribe now on Apple Podcasts if you trust me).

But now we’re back in action, baby! Here are Five Jokes!

Donate to the Palestine Children’s Relief Fund, The Carter Center, and/or Alliance for Middle East Peace.

Y’all hear about this?..

• Queen Margrethe II of Denmark, the longest-serving monarch in Europe, announced that she will abdicate her throne after more than a half-century. If you aren’t familiar with Denmark’s royal family, they’re kind of like the British royal family’s hotter cousins. Come to think of it, they’re literally King Charles’ attractive cousins. If you map out their family trees, the branches swirl into a Twizzler.

  

• North Korea’s Kim Jong Un says his military should ‘thoroughly annihilate’ US and South Korea if provoked. The Facebook “poke” button has never been more consequential.

• AMC Theatres apologizes for kicking out civil rights leader Bishop William J. Barber II for using his own chair at a screening of The Color Purple. CEO Adam Aron further clarified, stating, “This was our failed attempt at a 4DX experience. In hindsight, we will only use immersive technology on action/adventure films.”

• Starting today, police in Illinois will no longer be allowed to pull over motorists solely because they have something hanging from the rearview mirror of the windshield. Which means my large investment into a startup that turns your confession letters into air fresheners will be doing quite well this year.

  

Finally…

• U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts says A.I. will transform how the courts work — “I mean, think about it!” he exclaimed. “I could mediate with an artificial version of Brett Kavanaugh that doesn’t smell like wet ham!”

Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment!

If you enjoyed those, check out the last batch of 2023 jokes! And consider becoming a paid subscriber OR just buying me a coffee:

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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE

A quick sketch from the mind of Hoff Matthews with a cameo from someone you may recognize:

STRAY THOUGHT

This is a new segment for a joke or “stray” thought of mine that doesn’t fit the standard setup/punchline format. Hopefully it’ll make me post on Twitter less. Enjoy (and feel free to share!):

SOMETHIN’ FROM THE VAULT!

Before 2023 ended, I released this list of the top 24 books on my shelf that I hope to finish reading in 2024. I’ll keep you all updated on my progress!

Books On My Shelf That I Hope To Finish In 2024

And, for good measure, a joke from 12-14-2023 fits the occasion:

• The earliest version of Mickey Mouse is set to become public domain in 2024 — and rival companies have already released teasers for how they’ll use him:

  

“Why is this guy emailing five jokes a day?” — I explain it here:

Why I Email Five Jokes A Day

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