Five Jokes: 1-5-2024
Emboldened Conservative Activists, Hershey's False 'Cute' Faces, Harriet Tubman's Commemorative Coins, Google's ‘Robot Constitution,’ and Dwayne Johnson's A24 Energy
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Hey! It’s Friday in America, and I’ll never forget that time I got to ask Steve Harvey a question on his talk show:
Anyway, here are Five Jokes!
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Y’all hear about this?..
Conservative activists plan to keep pushing against racial-diversity programs, emboldened by the successful campaign to oust two Ivy League presidents. The strategy comes from a Black history book of all things... An activist picked it up and said, “You know, the white guys in these stories have some pretty neat ideas…”
A Florida woman is suing Hershey for $5M over the missing 'cute' faces on Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins. The company declined to comment, but has hired a roast comic as its court lawyer to say things like “The cute face was there! It was just hiding after taking one look at yours.”
The U.S. Mint released new commemorative coins honoring Harriet Tubman. Here she is saying “Come on, y’all. I was a slave. You know I’m gonna need a little more than that.”
In Tech News: Tesla is recalling virtually every car it’s ever sold in China due to an Autopilot system issues that increase the risk of crashes , Google has written an Isaac Asimov inspired ‘Robot Constitution’ to make sure its new AI droids won’t kill us , and Xbox has a $40 toaster at Walmart. Sources say early news of the toaster is what prompted Mark Zuckerberg to invest in a bunker.
Finally…
Dwayne Johnson says that with his new A24 film, he wants “…to make films that matter, that explore humanity, struggle & pain.” Which clearly translates to “I’m tired of working out.” Get ready to call him The Soft Rock.
Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment!
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A JOKE(s) FROM SOMEONE ELSE OTHER PEOPLE
George Wallace is a comedy great!
https://twitter.com/MrGeorgeWallace/status/1743050829123424447
And speaking of Katt Williams, James III has the best impression of him. Check out Astronomy Club on Netflix!
STRAY THOUGHT
This is a new segment for a joke or “stray” thought of mine that doesn’t fit the standard setup/punchline format. Hopefully it’ll make me post on Twitter less. Enjoy (and feel free to share!):
SOMETHIN’ FROM THE VAULT!
Earlier this week I released an update on a few things to look forward to and how things will function with the newsletter going forward!
And, speaking of car autopilot issues, here’s a gag from episode three of my animated web series Maurice on Mars!
UPCOMING SHOWS!
“SpeakEasy” — January 17, 7:00PM @ Caveat NYC (TICKETS)
“Why is this guy emailing five jokes a day?” — I explain it here:
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See you next week with 25 more jokes!
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Still here? Here’s a headline I was too shocked to find a joke for:
I can't believe there are still people in the world who expect food to appear exactly as it is on packages inside. Results may vary.
Demoting a black woman from the $20 bill to a quarter is very on brand for the US.