Five Jokes: 11-17-2023

George Santos Won't Seek Re-Election, Apple Wants To Make Texting Androids Easier, Snoop Dogg's Ominous Message, New York Cutting Police And Library Budgets, & A Rare Painting Discovered In A Kitchen

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• George Santos won’t seek re-election after an ethics report revealed that he used campaign funds to pay for OnlyFans, botox, Sephora and more. Instead, he’s seeking any runway that will accept his catwalk.

• Apple plans to make it easier to text between iPhones and Androids. In other news, Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney have a new hit song on their hands…

  

• In an ominous message posted to his social media platforms on Thursday, Snoop Dogg declared, “I’m giving up smoke.” Now he’ll only get high via edibles or soberly listening to André 3000’s new flute album.

• New York Mayor Adams announced budget cuts that would freeze New York City police hiring and close libraries on Sundays. Officers and librarians have since forged a rare alliance after seeing this leaked image of that NYPD patrol bot reading from a tablet.

  

Finally…

• The Louvre has added a “national treasure” to its collection four years after it was discovered in the home of an elderly woman who kept it in her kitchen. It’s one of 15 known paintings by Cimabue, and the only one made partially by splattered pasta sauce from a cooking mishap.

  

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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE

You’ll never watch Star Wars the same way after watching this clip from Ian Abramson and Charlie Rohrer’s I Don’t Know Movies podcast featuring Arish Singh!

STRAY THOUGHT

This is a new segment for a joke or “stray” thought of mine that doesn’t fit the standard setup/punchline format. Hopefully it’ll make me post on Twitter less. Enjoy (and feel free to share!):

SOMETHIN’ FROM THE VAULT!

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Why I Email Five Jokes A Day

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