Five Jokes: 3-8-2024

Republican Kitchen Rebuttal, Self-Serve Airport Screenings, Rupert Murdoch's Wedding Plans, Lactating Amphibians, and American Divorce Habits

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Hey! It’s Friday in America, and according to yesterday’s pop quiz, it seems like you’d all rather stick your hand in the torture box from Dune than get roasted by a random Black teenager. Do with that information what you will.

Anyway, here are Five Jokes!

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Y’all hear about this?..

• The official Republican response to Biden’s State of the Union address was delivered by Senator Katie Britt in her kitchen — prompting viewers to think, Wait… is this a political rebuttal or one of those TikToks where a white woman makes macaroni with Skittles instead of cheese?

  

• The Transportation Security Administration is running a six-month trial of self-serve security screening pods at Harry Reid International Airport in Las Vegas. To entice hesitant travelers, its shaped like a slot machine. Three lucky number 7s and you avoid having to self-strip-search.

• A year after breaking off an engagement, 92-year-old Rupert Murdoch is engaged again — to someone else… in what would be his fifth marriage. But is that an actual fact, or an SAT hypothetical ending in “How desperate is the woman involved?”

• A species of worm-like amphibian has been caught on camera feeding milk to its young. Wow. Just goes to show that even if you’re a worm-like lactating amphibian that lives primarily underground, Big Brother is always watching.

Finally…

• The Times spoke with 88 people about how they divided their homes after a divorce. Well… 87. Senator Katie Britt clarified, “We’re just going through a little rough patch where he gets the office, living, dining, bed, and bathrooms.”

  

Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment!

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🎨: Madhuri Shukla

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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE

Josh Johnson talks Biden’s dog…

STRAY THOUGHT

This is a new segment for a joke or “stray” thought of mine that doesn’t fit the standard setup/punchline format. Hopefully it’ll make me post on Twitter less. Enjoy (and feel free to share!):

SOMETHIN’ FROM THE VAULT!

Check out my podcast interview with

ashley ray

who has a new stand-up album out called Ice Cream Money.

[Ashley Ray] Is The Genre

“Why is this guy emailing five jokes a day?” — I explain it here:

Why I Email Five Jokes A Day

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