Five Jokes: 4-2-2024

Google Deletes "Incognito" History, A Crypto Board, Elon Musk's Texas Empire, Trump's New Christian Angle, and Bloomberg's Economic Simulation

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Hey! It’s Tuesday in America, and I don’t know about you, but this seemed the craziest rebuttal from Dan Schneider in Quiet on Set:

Anyway, here are Five Jokes!

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Y’all hear about this?..

• Google will destroy the private browsing history of millions of people who used "incognito" mode in its Chrome browser as a part of a settlement filed to federal court on Monday in a case over the company's secret tracking of web activity. Meaning at this very moment, Warner Bro.’s deleted files of Batgirl and Coyote vs. Acme are muttering, “There goes the neighborhood…”

• The world’s largest crypto exchange named its first board ever — figuring, “Between the seven of us there’s no way we can forget the password, right?”

• Elon Musk is now officially Austin’s largest private employer. Which finally explains thd old saying: “Self-driving slaughter machines are bigger in Texas.”

• Ending many of his rallies with a church-like ritual and casting his prosecutions as persecution, the former president is demanding — and receiving — new levels of devotion from Republicans. In fact, leaked audio from his campaign bus reveals him whispering, “Church women will let you lay hands anywhere if you mention Jesus.”

Finally…

• Bloomberg Economics ran a million forecast simulations on the US debt outlook. 88% of them show borrowing on an unsustainable path — while the remaining 12% somehow show the private browsing history of millions of people who used "incognito" mode in its Chrome browser.

Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment!

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🎨: Madhuri Shukla

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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE

Jill Hopkins is the greatest detective of all time…

https://twitter.com/Jillhopkins/status/1773821812335329538

Check out my pal Ian Abramson’s classic Conan set!

He’s got a new standup special coming out April 9 called The Heist!

Pre-order it now on Apple TV! And in the meantime, read our TEXT MESSAGE conversation from 2023!

A [TEXT MESSAGE] Conversation With Comedian Ian Abramson

STRAY THOUGHT

SOMETHIN’ FROM THE VAULT!

A while back I debated ants vs bees with my pal Ian Abramson for the awesome kid-friendly podcast Smash Boom Best.

Well, now I’ve returned to defend dragonflies! It’s fun listen for anyone — but especially anyone with kids!

“Why is this guy emailing five jokes a day?” — I explain it here:

Why I Email Five Jokes A Day

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