Five Jokes: 7-14-2025
The Elmo Hack, Cub Holder Decision Making, Concerning FBI Metadata. Tough Market For College Grads, and A Large Martian Rock
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Hey! It’s Monday in America, it seems American men are hungry for injectable testosterone, and speaking of American strongmen, I mean, come on —
Anyway, here are FIVE JOKES!
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Y’all hear about this?..
The X account belonging to Sesame Street character Elmo was hacked on Sunday, resulting in a series of antisemitic posts that included violent threats against Jewish people. The top three culprits are Elon Musk, Elon Musk’s AI program Grok, and… the Swedish Chef. About time we learned what his “gibberish” really means.
Recent college graduates face a challenging job market despite the overall unemployment rate remaining low. On the flip side, employed people are also facing a challenging market as the result of working five part time jobs at competing conglomerates to afford their rent. “Oh no, if these companies merge I’m out of at least one micro-gig!”
Metadata shows the FBI’s “raw” Jeffrey Epstein prison video was likely modified. And while there are tons of conspiracy theories, the footage was most likely slightly cropped to fit the in-flight entertainment screens of dignitaries traveling to an island that Epstein definitely is not on because he definitely is dead.
WIRED reports that the size, location, and design of cup holders is an important factor for Americans buying new cars. This explains recent reports of plastic surgeons working at auto repair shops. “So… you’d like a reduction or a Brazilian cup lift?”
Finally…
A 54-pound rock believed to be the largest piece of Mars to ever crash on Earth will go on sale Wednesday. If you’ve got enough money to buy it, congrats on being the reason college grads can’t find work. But also, surprise, because the “Martian rock” you just purchased is actually a theatre student beating the system.
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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE
No one gets the truth out of Trump like Hoff Matthews…
STRAY THOUGHT
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
on fatherhood and processing the Diddy verdicts…
Before our daughter was born, I tried to convince myself that being a parent would not have to come to dominate my life and personality. I’d seen it happen, we all have, where a person who was once an original thinker, a dynamic conversationalist, a creative spirit with a vibrant mind at work, suddenly is only capable of talking about the trials and tribulations of missed naps and poop consistency. I’m not even saying I was all of those other things, just that I didn’t want to become the latter thing.
And Pillboy on the “Black Joy” paradox…
SOMETHIN’ MORE
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Did you know that I co-host a weekly standup show in Brooklyn?! Click for details.
Of course you would have shows on the day that I have class 😭