Five Jokes: 8-15-2023
Ancient Christian Mosaic, 'The Blind Side' Controversy, Kansas Newspaper Raid, A.P. African American Studies, $4k Smart Doors, & Trump's Supposed Proof Of Innocence
Hey! It’s Tuesday, Donald Trump just got his fourth indictment, and I’ve got these Five Jokes!
Y’all hear about this?..
A battle looms over an ancient Christian mosaic found near Armageddon in Israel. But the fight might not be over what you think. According to a recent poll about the mosaic, Christians are mostly angry that the issue barely breaks into Israel’s Top Ten Looming Battles. However, Israel has assured Christian leaders that it is #1 on the Top Ten Looming Battles Over The Status Of A Looming Battle.
Michael Oher, depicted in ‘The Blind Side,’ alleges he was never adopted by Sean and Leigh Anne Tuohy, but signed into a conservatorship. To counter the narrative of the hit film, Oher is in talks to tell the story as it was originally intended with, The Blind Side (Jordan’s Version).
If successful, it could spark a new trend of re-contextualized biopics in Hollywood. Perhaps we’ll even get to see Green Book as the story truly went down with, Green Book (Jordan’s Version).
Police raided a small-town Kansas newspaper that was investigating sexual misconduct charges against a local police chief. The police department, however, maintains that they raided the paper because they “…wanted to know what Garfield was gonna say the next day.”
Arkansas officials told school districts not to offer A.P. African American studies. To be fair, they thought this was a noble act of solidarity. One Arkansas official is quoted as saying, “Isn’t our advanced placement of African Americans the reason we got in this mess in the first place?! Nobody should learn how to build those boats again.”
Finally…
A $4,000 smart door is now available at Home Depot. The smart door is said to be a lot like a regular door, only it peaked in college and keeps using words like “homogenization.”
Bonus Joke!
Trump promises to deliver a ‘CONCLUSIVE Report’ proving his innocence. The evidence is said to explain that he doesn’t actually exist. “I am fake news…” he hinted, before waving goodbye and evaporating into the mist.
Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment! (Only five jokes are allowed in the poll, so if you likes the sixth — chime in with a comment!)
If you enjoyed those Five Jokes, check out the five jokes from yesterday! And consider becoming a paid subscriber!
A JOKE FROM THE VAULT!
I wrote last week about the passing of my grandfather — and lately have been thinking about how I’ve been sprinkling his name into my work. I’m not exactly sure why I’ve been doing that — but you can find the name “Bailey” anywhere from sketches, short stories, and cartoons that I’ve had a hand in. Here’s one such case from my time at The Tonight Show where I pitched the idea of a guy who was cryogenically frozen in the hopeful Obama-glow of 2009, only to return to 2020.
SOMETHING MORE?
Who needs a podcast when you can read an interview that was conducted over three days via text message and is full of detailed time stamps! That’s exactly what you’ll get and more in the latest edition of my A [BLANK'] Conversation With… series featuring
! We talked about his writing process, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, family, music, and Virginia.A Text Conversation with Essayist, Mychal Denzel Smith
A [BLANK] Conversation With… is an interview series where guests engage in a three-day conversation via their preferred mode of text-based communication, with no commitments to the length or frequency of their responses.
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Damn dude, these were all bangers