Five Jokes: 9-12-2024

Earth In Peril, Starbucks Changes, Kremlin vs Trump/Harris, Shay Shay No No, and Campbell’s Soup Rebrand

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Y’all hear about this?..

• Human activity is imperiling eight of the planet’s critical life-support systems and seven of them have already passed into a danger zone, according to a massive review of Earth science conducted jointly by more than 60 researchers. Or as Earth put it: “Per my last global pandemic which you weee all cc’d on…”

• Starbucks’ new CEO dropped some clues about changes on the horizon — leaving employees to wonder whether those changes will be tall or trenta.

• The Kremlin blasted Donald Trump and Kamala Harris for bringing up Russian President Vladimir Putin during their first debate, urging them to "leave our president's name alone." To highlight their seriousness, the attached this image to the statement:

  

• After initially claiming he was hacked, football Hall of Famer Shannon Sharpe admitted Wednesday that he inadvertently livestreamed audio of him having sex to his roughly 3.2 million followers on Instagram. Listeners were shocked to learn that even in the act of making love, Shannon pauses to promote his branded cognac.

Finally…

• The Campbell Soup Company will soon no longer have the name "soup" in the brand more than 150 years after its initial founding. Insiders say broadening the range of the Campbell’s brand will help it ease into new products like lotion and lube. “Who couldn’t use a little chicken noodle lube for the soul?”

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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE

You can now watch Ian Abramson’s The Heist standup special on Tubi!

STRAY THOUGHT

UPCOMING SHOWS

• If you’re looking for something to read — perhaps you can try Lula Dean’s Little Library of Banned Books ahead of my live-streamed conversation with the author on Sept. 25! (INFO HERE)

  

• I’ll be a part of this show hosted by

  Hoff Matthews
  October 15 at Caveat NYC! (INFO HERE)

  

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