Five Jokes: 1-14-2025

Starbucks' Rule Reversal, TikTok's Musk Feud, Steamboat Willie's Horror Movie Debut, NPR's Grocery Shopping Adventure, and The Weed Drink Revolution

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Hey! It’s Tuesday in America, here’s a quick summary of Mark Zuckerberg’s appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience —

— and here are FIVE JOKES!

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Y’all hear about this?..

• A new rule at Starbucks makes it so that you have to buy something in order to hang out and use the restroom — reversing an open-door policy put in place in 2018 after two Black men were arrested at a Philadelphia Starbucks where they had gone for a business meeting. Thanks to the power of A.I., I’ve cut the middle man by having an algorithm turn the very headline you just read into a new slogan for the brand. Who needs a human marketing team when you can get honest, catchy results like this?!:

  

• TikTok calls a report that China is exploring a sale of the app to Elon Musk 'pure fiction’ — to which Musk responded “…” telepathically via Neuralink and, by all accounts, loudly passing gas in the process.

• Now that the “Steamboat Willie” version of Mickey Mouse is in the public domain, the first image of a ‘STEAMBOAT WILLIE’ horror film has been released. Yet another tragic example of the children’s cartoon to adult horror film pipeline.

  

• NPR shopped for 96 items at Walmart to track how prices are really changing. Unsurprisingly, they only wound up with enough food to fill a tiny desk.

Finally…

• There are now hundreds of brands selling weed drinks as changes to federal drug regulation and American public interest have created a land rush. Nevertheless, Coca-Cola still has this closely guarded vault filled with its original recipe ingredients whenever the public is ready:

  

Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment!

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🎨: Madhuri Shukla

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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE

Tim Platt

claims he isn’t Nixon…

STRAY THOUGHT

IN OTHER NEWS…

[Interesting Headlines Minus Jokes]

• Undocumented workers pay billions in taxes that help fund programs like Social Security.

• In another case of “never trust your heroes” — Best-selling British author Neil Gaiman has reportedly been accused of sexual misconduct by eight women, including four who previously spoke out.

• And — Despite 2020 census results showing a boom in the number of people classified as multiracial in the United States since 2010, two Princeton sociologists now say that jump was mostly an illusion because of a change in how people were classified by the U.S. Census Bureau.

SOMETHIN’ MORE!

My Obama/Trump lip reading (text) sketch has quickly becoming the most popular post in the newsletter’s history! Guess I should do more stuff like that, huh?

“Why are is this guy emailing five jokes a day?” — I explain it all here:

Why I Email Five Jokes A Day

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