Five Jokes: 1-31-2024

Syphilis Skyrockets, Taylor Swift’s Political Power, New York’s TikTok Battle, Britain’s Pub Crisis, and Bob Odenkirk’s Royal Heritage

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Hey! It’s Wednesday in America, and I can’t stop thinking about the dying thief who confessed to stealing a pair of ruby slippers that Judy Garland wore in “The Wizard of Oz” because he wanted to pull off “one last score.”

Anyway, here are Five Jokes!

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Y’all hear about this?..

• The US hasn’t seen syphilis numbers this high since 1950. Which can only mean one thing… Austin Powers has returned, baby!

  

• President Biden’s campaign hopes Taylor Swift will endorse him, while Trump’s allies are spreading conspiracy theories that Taylor is a secret agent of the Pentagon bolstering her fan base in preparation for her endorsement of President Biden’s re-election. You know what they say, there are three sides to every story: Your side, my side, and the side of an underground reptile Illuminati drug lord named JoJo.

• New York’s government is gearing up for fight against TikTok, Facebook and other social media giants. Mayor Adams is rumored to be launching a new branch of the NYPD called the Scroll Patrol and initiating a “three likes” rule. If you ‘like’ more than three posts in a day, you have to move to New Jersey. 🎶 Woke up this mornin’, and got myself a phone. Logged onto TikTok and had myself some fun🎶

  

• Britain’s pubs are struggling to survive in an increasingly atomized, remote-work world. Worse: Former patrons have started doing something called “room crawls” where they drink a pint in every section of their house and get into fights with their children’s stuffed animals for looking at them funny.

Finally…

• On an episode of Finding Your Roots, Bob Odenkirk discovered he’s the 11th cousin of the current King Charles — which led to a call from Charles asking, “Can you teach me how to do that thing where you’re loved by the public? How do you do that? Is it something you eat?”

Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment!

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🎨: Madhuri Shukla

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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE

Okay, a little worried

Mike Drucker

is writing this from experience:

https://x.com/mikedrucker/status/1752512765971882324

STRAY THOUGHT

This is a new segment for a joke or “stray” thought of mine that doesn’t fit the standard setup/punchline format. Hopefully it’ll make me post on Twitter less. Enjoy (and feel free to share!):

SOMETHIN’ FROM THE VAULT!

Read my 2023 text interview with writer/director Alexis Wilkinson!

A [TEXT MESSAGE] Conversation With Writer/Director Alexis Wilkinson

And don’t forget to check out the latest episode of You Are The Genre with writer

Mike Sacks

! ← Rate and review the show if you dig it!

“Why is this guy emailing five jokes a day?” — I explain it here:

Why I Email Five Jokes A Day

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