Five Jokes: 10-5-2023

Biden's Dog Leaves The White House, The Search For Kevin McCarthy's Replacement, New College Degrees, Cop Show Writers' Rooms Return, and Costco Bars Of Gold Are Selling Out

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Hey! It’s Thursday, and even though X has removed headlines because Elon Musk thinks it makes posts look better, I’m still showing headlines because with out them — the punchlines to these Five Jokes would sound like really… really concerning poetry!

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Y’all hear about this?..

• President Biden's dog Commander is no longer at the White House because they can’t stop him from biting Secret Service officers. It’s a strange choice for October though, isn’t it? According to the laws of horror movies, Commander DEFINITELY sees something important that everyone else can’t. I’m just saying… Watch your back, Mr. President. A few tips:

  • Never split up.

  • Look behind your Secret Service officer’s sunglasses so you know they aren’t zombies and still have eyes.

  • Remember that ghosts and creatures are like Trump: they NEVER go away the first time

  • And, most importantly: Whenever Kamala runs out of a room, don’t question it — just follow.

• Republicans will soon decide on a replacement for Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House. And rumor has it, they’ll be doing it The Voice style.

  

  Not surprising when you consider their years of practice at turning their backs.

• Gen Z students are inventing their own college degrees, from “Chaos Studies” to “Human-Computer Interaction.” Universities plan on consolidating these new degrees into one field of study called “Advanced Parent Disappointment.”

• Law & Order, FBI and One Chicago writers’ rooms are opening this week following the end of the WGA strike. After months on the picket lines, you can bet every villain’s name will sound eerily similar to David Zaslav.

  

Finally…

• Bars of gold from Costco are selling out. An odd consequence: Leprechaun pots are now filled with Costco hot dogs.

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IAT Ep#76: Comedian Roy Wood Jr. (LIVE!) [Explicit]

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