Five Jokes: 11-12-2024
Harriet Tubman's General Status, Cash App Settlement, Trump Administration "Self-Deport" Warning, Marco Rubio's Promotion, and Denzel Washington In 'Black Panther 3'
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Y’all hear about this?..
Revered abolitionist Harriet Tubman, who was the first woman to oversee an American military action during a time of war, was posthumously awarded the rank of general on Monday. To which the ghost of Harriet Tubman responded “I sure could use some money…”
Cash App users have a week left to claim part of a $15 million settlement. Beyond that window, the company is legally allowed to claim that they’re trying to pay you back but the internet is too spotty. Which would explain their new slogan, “Remind me tomorrow…”
President-elect Donald Trump's new border czar has warned migrants in the U.S. illegally to "self-deport" ahead of the next Trump administration. The warning is best summed up by the phrase “Make What I Just Purchased At Home Depot Too Expensive To Construct Again.”
President-elect Trump is expected to nominate Marco Rubio for Secretary of State. And Rubio will gladly accept the appointment as soon as he locates the ladder in the sunken place.
Finally…
Denzel Washington says ‘Black Panther 3’ will be one of his last movies before he retires. While his final film isn’t officially known, insiders say he’s eager to prove once and for all that King Kong ain’t got nothin’ on him.
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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE
Check out this post-election McSweeney's piece from Chandler Dean —
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STRAY THOUGHT
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"Your being raised to this rank will result in a substantial increase in your salary, General Tubman..."