Five Jokes: 11-16-2023
Robot Security Guards, "Red Cup Day" Walkouts, Jimmy Kimmel Hosting The Oscars (Again!), Kevin Hart To Recieve Mark Twain Prize, & The Pentagon Fails Its Audit (Again!)
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Y’all hear about this?..
Amazon will start selling this $2,350 Astro Robot designed to be a rolling security guard.
And by the looks of it, it should come with a feature that auto-plays The Benny Hill theme whenever it tries chasing someone away.
The Starbucks Workers Union says thousands of employees at hundreds of stores across the country will walk out on Red Cup Day in what it's calling a "Red Cup Rebellion." If you’re unfamiliar — Red Cup Day is the annual event where customers get free holiday-themed reusable cups. So, things will get confusing once Red Cup Rebels start joining customers in the same line.
Customer:“Wait... Shouldn’t you be handing me a free cup?” Striking Employee: "Can't you just grab one for yourself?! And while you're at it, give me five so I can sell 'em on ebay next year for hospital money."
Jimmy Kimmel will host the Oscars for a fourth time next year. If he does it again next year, the ceremony is legally The Kimmels hosted by Oscar.
Kevin Hart has been chosen for the Mark Twain Prize for lifetime achievement — meaning he will attain comedy’s highest honor… if he can reach it. You’ve heard of The Sword in the Stone? This is The Twain on the Shelf.
Finally…
The Pentagon failed its financial audit for the sixth straight year — which is one too many for a building with five points. But how can we be sure? If the military is this bad with numbers, The Pentagon could’ve been The Square this whole time. Luckily, they have a fix. The next four audits will be hosted by Jimmy Kimmel.
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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE
Perfect execution of fake headline / article combo by Joe Tilleli here for Hard Drive.
STRAY THOUGHT
This is a new segment for a joke or “stray” thought of mine that doesn’t fit the standard setup/punchline format. Hopefully it’ll make me post on Twitter less. Enjoy (and feel free to share!):
SOMETHIN’ FROM THE VAULT!
Take a trip back to 2014 via my interview with Wyatt Cenac!
“Why is this guy emailing five jokes a day?” — I explain it here:
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