Five Jokes: 2-29-2024
U.S. vs Foreign Smart Cars, The Cost Of Money, Exxon Mobil vs Climate-Conscious Investors, Mitch McConnell's Retirement Plans, and TikTok's Photo Future
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Hey! It’s Thursday in America, and I can’t be the only person clamoring for a third installment of this franchise called Analyze Those where they’re pointing at their grandchildren.
And here are Five Jokes!
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Y’all hear about this?..
The US government has launched an investigation into national security risks posed by foreign-made vehicles with internet connectivity. Seeing as how Joe Biden recently signed an executive order on AI after watching the new Mission: Impossible movie, it’s safe to assume this investigation was launched after he fell asleep watching old episodes of Knight Rider with Chinese subtitles.
Treasury Secretary Larry Summers suggests that a big reason people are gloomy about the economy is the cost of money. He then took a hit of his joint and passed it to his dream blunt rotation: Rich Dad, Poor Dad, and Juuust Right Dad.
ExxonMobil is suing investors who want faster climate action. And, honestly, the investors are cool with it as long as, you know… the money is spent of faster climate action. Who knows, if the cycle keeps going maybe we’ll finally have a perpetual motion machine.
Mitch McConnell will step down after November as the Senate Republican leader, saying: “It’s time for the next generation.” He then pressed his lapel pin and shouted, "Beam me up!” before freezing for 20 minutes.
Finally…
Amid a fight with Universal Music Group — which has required TikTok to take down Universal-owned songs — TikTok is telling creators to focus on photo slideshows. And if Instagram hassles then about it, they’ve got a backup-backup plan of telling creators to print their photos at CVS.
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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE
Nore Davis is one of the funniest people on the planet!
REST WELL, RICHARD LEWIS
Years ago, I saw him exiting a Zanies show in Chicago. In that brief glimpse, he seemed at once a rock star and Dracula. But his greatest skill, in my view, was his ability to seem like family to anyone who watched… Angry, bitter, anxious, hilarious family. Dying is one of the scariest things we do. Right below public speaking. He was great at the latter, and was always dressed for the first.
STRAY THOUGHT
This is a new segment for a joke or “stray” thought of mine that doesn’t fit the standard setup/punchline format. Hopefully it’ll make me post on Twitter less. Enjoy (and feel free to share!):
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“Uptown Showdown: Coffee Vs. Tea” — FEBRUARY 29, 7:00PM @ Symphony Space (NY) (TICKETS)
“The Story Collider” — MARCH 7, 7:30PM @ Pier 57 (NY) (TICKETS)
SOMETHIN’ FROM THE VAULT!
“Why is this guy emailing five jokes a day?” — I explain it here:
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Is "Just Right" Dad what the middle class used to be?