Five Jokes: 2-9-2024

Spotify Audiobooks, The Senate vs Drug Companies, Snoop Dogg vs Walmart, Tucker Carlson vs Putin, and A European Airline's Weight Experiment

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Hey! It’s Friday in America, and based on Usher’s new album cover, I don’t think he knows where his mouth is.

Anyway, here are Five Jokes!

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Y’all hear about this?..

• Spotify is introducing more listeners to audiobooks — which means we’ll be learning a little too much about our friends at the end of the year. “According to Stacey’s Spotify Wrapped, she really loves ‘Atlas Shrugged’ by Ayn Rand and ‘Freek-A-Leek’ by Petey Pablo.”

• CEOs of three drug companies faced questions from the Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions about why drug prices are so much higher in the United States than they are in the rest of the world. But they aren’t sure how effective it was because the CEOs seemed stoned out of their minds. “Uh… I think the prices are so high here because the dragons keep burning all the rainbows. Hey, anybody else see that dancing gummy bear? Oh.. Hey, Mitch!"

• Rappers Snoop Dogg and Master P are suing Walmart and food manufacturer Post Consumer Brands, arguing that both companies intentionally left their cereal product off shelves and hid it in stockrooms in an attempt to sabotage their brand. And if we ever get another Indiana Jones movie, I hope its about the mythical vault of Snoop Cereal.

  

• Tucker Carlson said Vladimir Putin was "a couple hours late" for their Kremlin interview this week. However, Putin clarified that he spent those hours asking security, “How did that creepy doll get in here?”

Finally…

• A European airline has tested weighing passengers at the gate. Based on the results, they’ll either add a section labelled ‘Big and Tall’ or ‘American.’

Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment!

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🎨: Madhuri Shukla

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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE

A joke from

ashley ray

’s new standup album Ice Cream Money.

STRAY THOUGHT

This is a new segment for a joke or “stray” thought of mine that doesn’t fit the standard setup/punchline format. Hopefully it’ll make me post on Twitter less. Enjoy (and feel free to share!):

SOMETHIN’ FROM THE VAULT!

Find more of my Uncertain Life comics here!

And check out my podcast interview with Ashley Ray!

[Ashley Ray] Is The Genre

“Why is this guy emailing five jokes a day?” — I explain it here:

Why I Email Five Jokes A Day

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