Five Jokes: 3-1-2024
The Power Of 'Thumbs Down,' Wall Street Football, A Royal Disruption In Thailand, Oprah's WeightWatchers Exit, and A Philadelphia Phillies Hot Fog Fiasco
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Hey! It’s Friday in America, this is a picture of me calmly asking for more butter on my popcorn before watching Dune 2:
And here are Five Jokes!
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Y’all hear about this?..
Vice Media abruptly ended a virtual town hall on Wednesday morning after laid-off staffers flooded the screen with thumbs down emojis. Despite their efforts, execs stated, “We will not be cyber-bullied into offering severance packages.”
The NFL could soon change its team ownership rules, opening its doors to a slew of institutional investors, including private-equity firms and venture-capital funds. But don’t worry. The only major changes will be the players wearing three-piece suits on the field and the prices, much like the football itself, getting hiked.
The favorite to become the next king of Thailand could be ruled out of contention because of his marriage to an American woman in Westchester County, New York. Romantic comedy law dictates that she either slowly wins his nation over during an awkward visit or he slowly falls in love with a Thai woman because of how refreshingly few times she says the words “Stanley tumbler.”
Oprah has left the board of WeightWatchers International - choosing to fund an international weight loss competition called The Ozempics instead.
Finally…
The Philadelphia Phillies are scrapping $1 hot dog nights after unruly fans tossed them throughout the field. Given the circumstances, they’re now considering Free Used Hot Dog Nights.
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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE
Emmy Blotnick performed elements of this hilarious series of jokes about tea at a show we were on last night. So good!
STRAY THOUGHT
This is a new segment for a joke or “stray” thought of mine that doesn’t fit the standard setup/punchline format. Hopefully it’ll make me post on Twitter less. Enjoy (and feel free to share!):
[Apologies… The Stray Thought Machine is broken, but will be functional next week!]
UPCOMING SHOWS!
“The Story Collider” — MARCH 7, 7:30PM @ Pier 57 (NY) (TICKETS)
SOMETHIN’ FROM THE VAULT!
I forgot to add somethin’ from the vault in yesterday’s email, so here’s two things!
First, a classic from my Uncertain Life comics:
And second, a blast from the recent past with the debut episode of You Are The Genre featuring Eliza Cossio (Our Flag Means Death, This Fool, The Daily Show)!
“Why is this guy emailing five jokes a day?” — I explain it here:
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See you news week with 25 more jokes!
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