Five Jokes: 4-1-2025
Atom Smashers, Military Physical Fitness Updates, Genetic Database Concerns, Cory Booker's 14-Hour Speech, and DOGE Real Estate
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Hey! It’s Tuesday in America —
— and here are FIVE JOKES!
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Y’all hear about this?..
Scientists at the world’s largest atom smasher have released a blueprint for a much bigger successor that could help solve remaining enigmas of physics — namely, why Will Smith released an album in the year 2025.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has mandated that physical fitness tests for military combat roles be “sex-neutral,” bringing to an end lower standards for some female troops. When asked if this “sex-neutrality” goal could unintentionally lower the standards for all men, Hegseth explained, “Oh, no, we’re working on that. Just the white ones.”
The creator of an open source genetic database is shutting it down and deleting all of its data because he has come to believe that its existence is dangerous with “a rise in far-right and other authoritarian governments” in the United States and elsewhere. He reached this conclusion after getting high, watching Friends, and focusing a little too hard on the only Black extra in Central Perk.
Cory Booker's anti-Trump speech on the Senate floor has lasted 14 hours and counting. Well then… guess that clears things up for those wondering how he managed to date Rosario Dawson…
Finally…
Documents reveal a DOGE affiliate is attempting to transfer the headquarters of an independent think tank, the United States Institute of Peace, to the government at no cost. If all goes as planned, it’ll be re-named The United States Institute In Pieces.
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Senator Booker really must hate President Trump...