Five Jokes: 5-16-2025
A New Cold War, New Jersey Transit, Flamingo Science, Government Reality TV, and a Sporting Goods Merger
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Hey! It’s Friday in America, if you’re in New York you should come hang out at Taylor & Co. Books for the release party of ’s Dark Regards comic (I’ll be there asking him questions!) —
— and here are FIVE JOKES!
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Y’all hear about this?..
A new cold war is brewing over 17 rare earth minerals that are the key to everything from smartphones, to military equipment, to electric vehicles. As these mineral wars intensify, global powers are competing to enlist the most powerful expert in the field, Salt Bae.
Salt Bae… if you’re reading this… please resist these calls at all costs. It won’t end the way you thi—
New Jersey Transit’s locomotive engineers went on strike after negotiations with state leaders broke down without an agreement. Desperate, state officials have made emergency calls to PBS icon Thomas the Tank Engine.
“New Jersey?” said Thomas. “Oooh, I ain’t messing with that… I can drive on train tracks but I can’t swim with the fishes.”
Flamingos look silly when they eat, but new research suggests they're actually being smart. Donald Trump is hiring the same researchers to change public perception on literally everything he has ever said or done.
The Department of Homeland Security is reportedly reviewing a pitch for a reality TV show in which immigrants compete for the chance to fast-track their path to U.S. citizenship. And yet we all know the show will somehow result in a panicked Ruben Studdard insisting he was born here. “Guys, I… I won a show called American Idol!”
Finally…
Dick’s is buying Foot Locker — a merger that could result in the perfect name for “athletic” condoms:
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