Five Jokes: 7-27-2023

Mitch McConnell Freezes, UFO Whistleblower, Oppenheimer Dress, Colleges Tackle Race, & Mustard Skittles

Hey, happy Thursday. Here are Five Jokes!

Y’all hear about this?..

• During a press conference yesterday, Mitch McConnell froze mid-sentence and stared vacantly for around 20 seconds. The GOP is celebrating this moment as proof that white people can also enter the sunken place. “There goes the neighborhood,” said every Black person tumbling down the endless dark void of their consciousness.

• Not trying to go full “tin foil hat” here, but it is strange that on the same day Mitch McConnell froze, a whistleblower told Congress that the U.S. is concealing a ‘multi-decade’ program that captures UFOs. When asked if we’ve done anything with this new alien technology, the whistleblower said, “Yeah, how else do you think we got Quibi?”

• Nude scenes in Oppenheimer are being censored in some locations with a CGI dress. What’s troubling is that no one can agree on whether the dress is blue and black, white and gold, a disturbing glimpse into the future of censorship… or pink.

• Colleges are figuring out how to factor in race without asking about race. And it doesn’t help that admission committees are generally behind the times. Their leading replacement for “Are you African-American?” is “Can you Lindy Hop?”

Finally…

• Skittles has announced a limited-edition mustard flavor. When told repeatedly by customers that “This is a stupid idea,” and “No one asked for this,” the CEO of Skittles froze mid-sentence and stared vacantly for around 20 seconds.

Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment!

A JOKE FROM THE VAULT!

This is one of my favorite jokes from the animated web-series I created called Maurice on Mars. Check out all three episodes here!

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If you enjoyed those Five Jokes, check out the yesterday’s jokes! And consider becoming a paid subscriber!

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JOKES FROM OTHER PEOPLE

https://twitter.com/BisHilarious/status/1684380696696205312

https://twitter.com/HelloCullen/status/1684285519742779392

https://twitter.com/hunteryharris/status/1684335919061426181

UPCOMING SHOWS

• “Movie Quiz” - August 7, 7:00PM @ Brooklyn Comedy Collective (TICKETS)

SOMETHING MORE?

Woah, you’re still here?! Let’s see… what else can I offer? It’s hard for me to listen to some of these old It’s All True! interviews but (if memory serves me correctly) this was a fun conversation with Issa Rae!

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See you tomorrow with five more jokes!