Five Jokes: 8-23-2023
#GraveTok, Foot Locker, Hot Dog Straws, Florida vs Bathrooms, & Giuliani Surrenders!
Hey! It’s Wednesday, India became the fourth nation to successfully soft-land a spacecraft on the moon, and I’m now the first person to write these exact Five Jokes!
Y’all hear about this?..
TikTok influencers are hoping to inspire a new generation of cemetery enthusiasts. And just like that… “I’ll dance on your grave” has taken on an entirely new meaning.
Foot Locker blames ‘consumer softness’ as its shares plunge 30%. Customers have since notified Foot Locker that, “Since you’re out here calling us soft, you better watch your back outside of class.”
Oscar Mayer is giving away hot dog straws. However, it doesn’t quite explain why Florida schools have ordered so many of them for ‘DeSantis approved sex-ed.’
Florida is considering firing any college employees who twice use a bathroom other than the one assigned to their sex at birth, despite being asked to leave. In other news, Florida is considering hiring math professors to stand outside of bathrooms and calculate who broke the proposed law. In other-other news, Florida is considering firing any math professor who stands outside of a bathroom other than the one assigned to their sex at birth, despite being asked to leave. In other-other-other news, Florida is considering banning math.
Finally…
Rudy Giuliani plans to surrender today in the Georgia election case. That is, unless his handy squid-like ink can distract us enough as he escapes.
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A JOKE FROM THE VAULT!
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SOMETHING MORE?
Try my 2015 podcast interview with comedian, Ron Funches on for size.
IAT Ep#80: Comedian Ron Funches [Explicit]
![IAT Ep#80: Comedian Ron Funches [Explicit]](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!bBBr!,w_1300,h_650,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fef559260-bb5c-4bf6-88e2-326dcebb6c9c_3000x3000.jpeg)
Listen now (24 mins) | Recorded in 2015, Comedian Ron Funches joins It’s All True! To talk about finding humor through tragedy, the inspiration behind his debut stand-up album, and what single life can really be like.
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See you tomorrow with…
*verbal vote for Footlocker to supplement Giuliani vote*