Five Jokes: 8-4-2023

Lin-Manuel Miranda's 'The Warriors' Musical, A.I. Tinder Pics, Texas A&M's Million Dollar Settlement, Jeff Bezos' Eleven Billion Dollar Paycheck, & The Future of Los Angeles!

Hey! It’s Friday, Warner Bros. Discovery lost 1.8 million subscribers over the past three months, and hopefully I won’t lose your subscription after these Five Jokes!

Y’all hear about this?..

• Lin-Manuel Miranda is adapting The Warriors as a stage musical. You know, a lot of people make fun of Lin-Manuel for one reason or another. But this could be the catalyst for him to break free from expectations. I mean, think about it — in Hamilton, he used an incredibly diverse cast to portray America’s founders. But The Warriors is ALREADY incredibly diverse. I’m just saying, we should prepare ourselves for Steve Carell shouting “CAAAAN YOUUUU COMPREHEND THISSSS??!” before doing a weird little off-beat dance.

• Dating apps like Tinder and Hinge might soon add AI features that help singles choose the best photo. I assume they’re beta testing this now, because more and more dating app pictures are starting to look like this:

  

  “Seeking a partner who enjoys long walks in desolate wastelands and locating John Connor.”

• After asking a Black professor to run its journalism program, and then changing the offer because of conservative backlash, Texas A&M will pay $1 million in a settlement. In related news, the NAACP has officially updated the popular phrase to: “Once you go Black, you CAN go back, but if you do — you better have a million bucks.”

• Jeff Bezos is poised to get $11 billion richer after Amazon's earnings smashed expectations. I’m sorry, did I say “expectations”? I meant to say “the general human spirit.”

Finally…

• L.A. County could have 1.7 million fewer people by 2060. Los Angelenos say their top three reasons for leaving are, “Heat, traffic, and the fact that my old neighborhood is one massive yoga studio.”

Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment!

JUST AN IDEA… (new segment!)

Once the dust of the WGA and SAG strikes settle, I think The Daily Show should consider passing its hosting torch to… David Lynch. Yes! The director of such disturbing films as, well, his entire catalogue. Who best to give us daily updates on the escalating chaos of our lives than the man who also gave us this?

Instead of impressions of Trump, we’d get impressions of the sentient goop that slid down Rudy Giuliani’s head…

No more interviews with celebrities about their latest projects. How about small talk with random audience members while David eats a large birthday cake? And seeing as how David Lynch has his own transcendental meditation foundation, the “moment of zen” at the end of each episode could become quite literal.

I’m not saying this has to happen. It’s just an idea.

And, if you agree with the sentiment, you can join the growing number of supporters by sharing this tweet, or ‘X,’ or whatever we’re calling it:

https://twitter.com/TimBarnes451/status/1687266603241480192

A JOKE FROM THE VAULT!

Yesterday, I mentioned that Covid’s summer wave is rising, and that reminded me of this comic I wrote with illustrations from Grant Lindahl. Check out more of the comics here!

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If you enjoyed those Five Jokes, check out the jokes from yesterday! And consider becoming a paid subscriber!

UPCOMING SHOWS

• “Movie Quiz” - August 5, 7:00PM @ Brooklyn Comedy Collective (TICKETS)

SOMETHING MORE?

Each month, I post a larger general update about what’s going on in my life + recommendations! Here’s the latest edition for August:

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See you next week with 25 more jokes!