Five Jokes: 8-8-2023

New Simon & Schuster Owners, Wayne Brady Comes Out, Florida School Board Suddenly Cool With Gay Birds, A.I. Jokes, And Campbell's Pasta Sauce

Tim Barnes

Aug 08, 2023

Before we dive into today’s jokes, I want to apologize for the two glaring errors in yesterday’s post. Luckily, the mistakes weren’t news or joke related. Yesterday’s email stated the date as “8-y-2020,” despite the fact that ‘y’ isn’t a number. It also claimed that yesterday was Friday when it was in fact Monday. I hope you do not consider today to be the start of the weekend, because it isn’t. YOU STILL HAVE TO GO TO WORK! I repeat: YOU STILL HAVE TO GO TO WORK!

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programing —

Hey! It’s Tuesday, folding chairs were invented by a Black man, and I’m the inventor of these Five Jokes!

Y’all hear about this?..

Paramount has sold Simon & Schuster to a private equity firm. According to rumors, the firm plans on boosting the sales and scope of its books, starting with Stephen King — whose novels will be re-branded as “Creepy Advice Books.” Apparently, How To Defeat An Ancient Evil Clown has wider appeal than IT.

Wayne Brady came out as pansexual. According to Brady, saying “pansexual” is a much easier than his old method of waiting for someone to ask if he’s gay or straight and responding with, “Let’s Make a Deal.”

A Central Florida school board has reversed its decision to nix access to a children’s book about a male penguin couple. Board members say they reached this conclusion after being notified that none of their students are birds. The book may not be banned, but they’ve now placed it in the “Science Fiction For Penguins” section, which is a whole other issue.

Screenwriter Simon Rich fears the speed at which artificial intelligence can write funny jokes. When he should be spending his time in crippling fear of ME, comedian Tim Barnes. You heard it hear first: If Musk and Zuckerberg don’t fight by the end of this year, Rich and I are entering the cage!!!

Finally…

Campbell Soup Company now owns the maker of Rao’s pasta sauce. This news comes along with the reveal of their new joint slogan: “Mmm, Mmm, Weird!”

Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment!

A JOKE FROM THE VAULT!

Hey, when are we getting those Tubman’s again?

Just An Idea… (R.I.P DJ CASPER)

DJ Casper, the creator of the “Cha Cha Slide,” passed away yesterday due to complications with kidney and liver cancer. We all love dancing to the “Cha Cha Slide,” and we all love making fun of dancing to the “Cha Cha Slide.” Why? Because the song is ridiculous and yet it brings us pure joy. What stands out to me is the compassion in Casper’s voice as he gives instructions. Consider the way he guides us into the next set of moves by saying, “Alright now, we're going to do the basic step…” or the inclusiveness of the “y’all” in “Take it back now, y'all.”

I doubt the United States will ever change its national anthem, but if it ever did, the “Cha Cha Slide” would be an excellent choice. The “Cha Cha Slide” is a communal effort. And, sure, there are a few moments where we must step back to reflect, or times in which we pivot politically to the left or to the right. But what’s most important are the moments when we hop forward and clap-clap-clap-clap our hands. The arc of the cha cha may be long, but it bends real smooth. Again, we don’t have to change our national anthem to the “Cha Cha Slide”… It’s just an idea.

SOMETHING MORE?

Did you know that I have an alternate substack called Alternate Timeline where I post original short stories inspired by current events? I know, it sounds like a lot. And… yeah, it kind of is. Anyway, I also post behind the story updates on what inspired them on the Letters from African America page in addition to Alternate Timeline, so there’s no need to subscribe to both. Here’s the latest look behind the story for my latest piece of short fiction!