Five Jokes: 9-20-2024

DILLON STEVENSON TAKEOVER! - Apple's iPhone 16, Nuclear Microsoft Power, Kamala's Guns, Jimmy Carter's 100th Birthday, and Nike's CEO Steps Down

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It’s Friday in America, I’m

Dillon Stevenson

taking over for

Tim Barnes

— and here are Five Jokes!

Donate to the Palestine Children’s Relief Fund, The Carter Center, and/or Alliance for Middle East Peace.

Y’all hear about this?..

• Apple's iPhone 16 has officially arrived in stores. But you already knew that because your previous iPhone has officially begun to disintegrate in your hands.

• The site of the worst nuclear disaster in the US is reopening and selling its power to Microsoft. However, if the thought of Microsoft teaming with Three Mile Island brings you stress, remember Microsoft has never let us down before. Just plug in your Zune™, do some Bing™ searches and chill out. Clippy’s totally got this one covered. 

• While speaking with Oprah, Vice President Kamala Harris said that any intruder who breaks into her home is "getting shot." Upon hearing the comments, a concerned Santa Claus looked directly to camera ala Jim from the Office. 

• As Jimmy Carter nears his 100th birthday, a musical gala celebrates the ‘rock-and-roll president’ — though some historians are critical of Carter’s status as THE “rock-and-roll president”, noting that James K. Polk could really rage hard. 

Finally…

• Nike CEO John Donahoe will retire from the position next month after a nearly five-year tenure marked by a series of missteps. The company will begin the search for someone to fill those shoes. Preferably Size 9, but could squeeze into an 8 ½ if necessary.

Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment!

I hope you enjoyed those jokes! My name is

Dillon Stevenson

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A JOKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE

A great joke from Gordon Baker-Bone…

STRAY THOUGHT FROM TIM

SOMETHIN’ FROM MY VAULT!

Y’all remember 2020?

Thanks for having me this week! I appreciate it greatly. Keep supporting Tim and I’ll see you around the webs! Remember to check out DigitalDamageDistrictWrestling.com if you like nonsense, pro wrestling and/or video games!

“Why are these people emailing five jokes a day?” —

Tim Barnes

explains it here:

Why I Email Five Jokes A Day

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Dillon Stevenson is a comedian and writer based out of NYC, and is the one "Dillon" anyone ever REALLY needs in their life. As the One Dillon, he's landed writing jobs at Wyatt Cenac's Problem Areas (HBO), and The Big Fib (Disney+) and co-created Super Video Bros, a comedy party dedicated to celebrating music videos as an art form. Much like his favorite superhero, the Silver Surfer, Dillon's passion is finding the best places to eat.