Five Jokes: 8-7-2023

'Barbie' Makes Billions, Racists Get Infiltrated, Facial Recognition Gets It Wrong, UK Lecturers On Strike, & Zuckerberg vs Musk!

Hey! It’s Monday, people are fighting over the Dune Shacks of Cape Cod (which I’m told isn’t a book by Frank Herbert), and I’ve spent all morning fighting over headlines to use for today’s Five Jokes!

Y’all hear about this?..

• ‘Barbie’ is joining the billion-dollar club. So, prepare for her politics to shift in the sequel now that her slogan is, “This Barbie Just Opened A Bank Account In The Cayman Islands.”

  

• Members of a white supremacist group are suing a leftist activist who infiltrated and identified them. But they’re less concerned over being outed, and more hurt over losing the greatest member of their bowling league. “The infiltrator was our best player!” said one member of the extremist hate group. “How the heck are we gonna beat the Baltimore Bigots now?!”

• A pregnant Black woman was wrongfully arrested after a false facial recognition match. It doesn’t help that the artificial intelligence responsible for the false match goes by the acronym, K.A.R.E.N.

  When asked to comment, the software directed reporters to this screenshot from its notes app:

• Due to a labor dispute, UK lecturers have refused to mark exams, leaving thousands unable to graduate. The labor dispute has even extended to Hogwarts, where the leading protest slogans are “Abraca-Pay-Us!” “Open Pay-A-Me!” and “Bitch Better Have My Money… Uh… Leviosa!”

Finally…

• Mitch McConnell was mercilessly heckled during a speech with chants of ‘Retire!’ — However, he powered through due to the one major perk of being an 81-year-old Republican: the inability hear anything other than a dog whistle.

Those were five jokes! Which was your favorite? Use this poll, or drop a comment!

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A JOKE FROM THE VAULT!

With Barbie making billions, do you think movie theaters are finally back?! If not, I’ll buy one more ticket for Wen't Outta Business, please. You can find more Uncertain Life comics here!

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JUST AN IDEA…

Mark Zuckerberg has called out Elon Musk for dodging their cage fight. And if that headline doesn’t tell you we’re in a bad place as a society, I don’t know what will. Not only do I think this cage match is never gonna happen — I think that if it ever somehow did, we would quickly learn that both Zuckerberg and Musk have been Andy Kaufman the entire time. This whole cage match discussion is an obvious (and sad) ploy for attention that cannot possibly result in an actual brawl. Why? Do you know how quickly investors will sell their stocks once they see these two men shirtless in an arena?! The mere concept of this fight helps them because it places their companies in the “entertainment” portion of our news cycle vs the “purposefully disrupting every fabric of our democracy” section. But that only works if they keep adding twists and turns to the saga, while never throwing physical punches. And since this fight is never going to happen, I think they should replace it with something real, yet simple… like a Poke-Match, where the two billionaires press the Facebook “poke” button back-and-forth, back-and-forth, back-and-forth… until one of them dies. And the last “poker” wins the grand prize of having lived to be incredibly wealthy slightly longer than the other. Then again, it’s just an idea.

SOMETHING MORE?

Check out this post from my old Medium account that I just transferred to the Letters from African America substack! It’s about a comic book cover I had made for my dad one Christmas inspired by one of his ideas.

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See you tomorrow with five more jokes!